Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
this will be a night to untag.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
