yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Small penises have feelings too.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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