Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
