Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you bring me the toilet please
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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