Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
