Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
