how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
