Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
