Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
