i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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