Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
