there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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