i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
