Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
