My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Two words: blizzard sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
