Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
