So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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