Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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