I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
