Where is the hickey?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
