I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
