So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
