I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
