Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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