the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
