i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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