I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
