dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
