great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
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