I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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