I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
