I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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