I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
