Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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