fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im six kinds of drunk right now
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
