The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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