It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
