Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
