We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
