I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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