i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
