Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
