apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
