gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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