final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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