When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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