got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were destined to go to rehab together
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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