matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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