Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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