WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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