I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
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I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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