Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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