I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
