I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
