Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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