Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
