Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
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Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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