Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
